14 Feb You will submit a 4-5 page 4-MAT ?Assignment for Helping Children Survive Divorce and for The Smart Stepfamily. Please see attached: Readings, Graded assisgnment for exapmle,
You will submit a 4-5 page 4-MAT Assignment for Helping Children Survive Divorce and for The Smart Stepfamily.
Please see attached: Readings, Graded assisgnment for exapmle, instructions and insight for what is expected for this assignment.
Readings Papernow, P. L. (2013). Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships. Taylor & Francis. https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781136701542
Deal, R. (2014). The Smart Stepfamily. Baker Publishing Group. https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781441264206
DBFA 610
4-MAT Paper Assignment Instructions
Instructions
You will submit a 4-5 page 4-MAT Paper Assignment for Helping Children Survive Divorce and for The Smart Stepfamily. The 4-MAT REVIEW system is a way of responding to readings that requires you to interact with new ideas on several levels. Please use the following four-part format in preparing your 4-MAT Paper Assignments:
Summary: Summarize what you have read as if you were the author boiling down the book into 300 words (just like reading the jacket of a book to decide if you want to read the book itself). Prove that you comprehend the readings by writing a clear, concise summary.
Concrete Responses: Get vulnerable! In 300 words, relate a personal life episode that this book connected with in your own life experience. Relate your story in first person, describing action, quoting sentences you remember hearing or saying. In the teaching style of Jesus, this is a do-it-yourself parable, case study, confession. You will remember almost nothing you have read unless you make this critical, personal connection. What video memory began to roll? This is your chance to tell your story and make new ideas found in the book your own.
Reflection: What new questions pop up for you in response to what you have read? Keep a rough note sheet at hand as you read. Begin with questions like, “What would I like further information on?” Where do I not agree/strongly agree with the author?” or “What bothers me/excites me about this content?” To strengthen this part of your 4-MAT, get into our excellent online Libriary, locate a strong scholarly source to substantiate your thoughts and be sure to cite it and include the source in your reference list. This section should be at least 300 words.
Application: How does information book influence how you are going to continue your own personal growth process? What actions or changes are you going to make in your life as a result of your learning? Your response here is a matter of obedience first, questions later. Be precise in summarizing your action steps (limit these comments to about 400 words).
Be sure to review the 4-MAT Paper Grading Rubric before beginning this 4-MAT Paper Assignment.
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Insight
MODULE 5 COURSE ASSIGNMENTS
Readings:
Papernow, Helping Children Survive Divorce, chapters 5-6
Deal, The Smart Stepfamily, chapters 9-12
Presentations:
Encouragement for Stepfathers – I & II, Ron Deal & Bowker (Family Talk radio broadcasts)
Being a Smart Stepmom – I, II, & III, Mrs. Laura Petherbridge (Family Talk radio broadcasts)
Coping with Anxiety (90 second commentary)
Assignments:
This week you will write and compose a 4-5 page (not including title page and reference list) 4-MAT paper for The Smart Stepfamily, by R. Deal. The 4-MAT REVEW system is a way of responding to readings that requires you to interact with new ideas on several levels.
Let me strongly recommend that you review all my comments on your 4-MAT paper for Hart’s book. One of the most disappointing experiences for me is when I encounter a student making the same errors in a subsequent paper that I have corrected and commented on in a previous paper.
REMINDER: Typical Problems in Papers
In an effort to help you improve in your writing, let me offer the following as the typical problems I encounter in papers:
· Using a font that is not APA compliant
· Not having a Running Head on every page (it should be in the header so it will always appear on every page)
· Not having citations for sources, including movies, or not formatting the citation(s) correctly
· Not having a reference list
· Poor Grammar
· Misspelling – This is really inexcusable given that you can and always should run a basic Spelling and Grammar check in Microsoft Word before submitting any paper.
· Using vernacular terms and phrases in your writing (E.g. “…a lot of…”)
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4-Mat Paper: Hart Review Assignment 1
4-Mat Paper: Hart Review Assignment
Treylesia Alston
Liberty University
DBFA 610
Dr.Heck
January 28,2024
4-Mat Paper: Hart Review Assignment 2
Summary
In his book "Helping Children Survive Divorce: In the book, “What to Expect, How
Help”, Dr. Archibald Hart investigates what happens during divorce that results in kids’
overwhelming feelings of anger. The author argues that almost all children who were divorced
will hate, which is a emotion of not achieved the life purpose because their parents’ divorce
them. When a parent is extremely dangerous due to personality problems, alcoholism, mental
health concerns or criminal history; children may find comfort in being away from their parents
but also feel torn about the decision. Dr Hart introduces the concept of repressed rage that is
ignored and usually manifests in passive-aggressive behaviors. He highlights the fact that even
low-profile outbursts of anger may have much more serious long-term value after all, than
overtly aggressive actions themselves.
Moreover, the author emphasizes that anger should be controlled properly and warns
against two extremes – frequent outbursts of rage and passive-aggressive behavior. Founded on a
firm conviction that no one should take out his frustration against others, Dr. Hart proposes the
basics of counseling as described in scripture. He claims that the role of parents is to teach their
children how to choose healthy ways of dealing with anger and not allow this emotion turn into a
negative lifestyle. By showing how children react to divorce, the book delivers clear answers and
a high-level insight into diverse symptoms that emotional pain may take in different
individuals. Additionally, the authors depict the manner in which kids would respond when the
experience divorce among their parents.
4-Mat Paper: Hart Review Assignment 3
Concrete Responses
The moving stories in this book struck a deep chord with me personally regarding a
personal incident that happened when I was a teenager. Permit me to be candid and describe a
time that this book vividly brought to my attention. My world was rocked to its core when my
parents chose to Split up. Although they had never been married, they were together since they
were 14 years old. Like the 12-year-old Steven in the book, I was overcome by a feeling of
enormous ignorance and perplexity. I was left with mental anguish that was difficult for me to
understand after receiving the news, which struck me like a tidal wave. Like Steven's mother, my
mother realized how much it was hurting me as things at home got worse. She went to a
professional in a frantic attempt to make sense of the turbulent sea of emotions in our home. I
remember the uncomfortable car drives to therapy appointments very clearly, feeling both
uncomfortable and hopeful that someone could somehow make sense of the chaos that was
disintegrating in my life.
The story of Mary, a seven-year-old who is struggling with her parents' divorce, echoed
the book's description of youngsters externalizing their inner difficulties. Mary's behavioral shifts
were similar to what I had gone through; oppositional tendencies were a coping strategy for me.
The sorrow and confusion showed up as accusations, much to Mary blaming her mother for the
disintegration of the family. Thinking back to my own experience, the book did a great job of
capturing the wide range of feelings that kids experience during the difficult time following a
split. It took me back to the times when, like Steven, my emotional turmoil progressed from silly
jokes to more severe conduct (Caksen, 2021). The discoveries in the book are supported by these
intimate ties, which serve as lived realities as well as detached views. Through my experience,
the book not only shed light on the various ways that kids communicate their emotional pain, but
4-Mat Paper: Hart Review Assignment 4
it also served as a painful reminder for caregivers—parents, teachers, and other adults—to
recognize and address the particular difficulties that kids encounter when their parents split.
Reflection
As I read through Dr. Archibald Hart's analysis of respect in marriages, it prompted a
wave of inquiries and reflections in me. The question of "What specific strategies can couples
employ to cultivate and maintain respect in the intricate dance of marriage?" emerged as one of
the most pressing inquiries. However, this book argues that respect and appreciation of the other
person is an extremely important factor in building a great partnership which made me start to
think about what specific actions people could actually do locally to develop these features
within their relationships. In addition, I couldn’t help but think of the analogy that Dr. Hart
makes between the challenges of changing behavioral patterns deeply rooted and those needed to
redefine marital relations. It made me ask the question, “As realistic is this comparison and what
practical steps can couples take to guide them through the process of changing long-standing
routines as part of their relationship?” I found my focus turning towards getting more
information about that.
As a result of the contemplation, I studied whether my personal experiences were in line
with Dr. Hart’s results. His claim that marital problems are as a result of lack respect and
appreciation provided me with the question on whether I agree or disagree. This introspection
made me reconsider my beliefs concerning what constitutes a good marriage and whether respect
indeed is the most crucial factor in this. The reflection also raised a broader issue concerning
how other cultural and socioeconomic factors add to the problems marriage couples even face in
keeping respect between them. I became interested in the thought of seeking academic resources
to widen my knowledge about social impact on marital relationships and enrich views with a bit
4-Mat Paper: Hart Review Assignment 5
more scholarly flavor. To put it another way, this investigation not only raised concerns about
particular methods of fostering respect, but it also made me reflect on my own views and make
me want to learn more about the academic literature on marriage. Moreover, there is need for me
to have a thorough understanding of this reflective process to aid in effectively understanding the
intricate nature of bringing back respect in relationships.
Application
The book, titled “Helping Children Survive Divorce: What to Expect, How to Help,” by
Dr. Archibald Hart provides unique perspective and as a result, has changed my viewpoint
concerning human development. The focus on encouraging candid dialogue, especially in the
family, has inspired me to make open communication a top priority in my own relationships.
Understanding how important it is for everyone to be able to express their feelings, I want to
foster an atmosphere that values communication, empathy, and emotional expression. This
deliberate choice is intended to improve the mental health of kids as well as those in my close
social circles, as the book emphasizes. I completely agree with the book's defense of biblical
values against acts of violence. Thinking about this, I feel obligated to teach these values,
especially encouraging peaceful coexistence and discouraging retaliation, to my own family. I
see the significance of instilling in children the values that uphold non-violence and empathy,
given the potential obstacles they may encounter during a divorce. This is consistent with the
New Testament's teachings, which emphasize forgiving others and creating a climate of
tolerance.
The chapter's real-world case studies, like Steven and Mary's, provide concrete examples
of the difficulties kids may face both during and after a divorce. As a result, I am inspired to
learn more about the various ways kids deal with anger and frustration. This realization forces
4-Mat Paper: Hart Review Assignment 6
me to be more understanding and accommodating in both my personal and professional
relationships, particularly with kids who could be adjusting to the difficulties of divorce.
Furthermore, I acknowledge that these results have real-world applications for practitioners in
the sector, such counselors and teachers. I intend to use these findings to my own professional
job, tailoring interventions according to each person's response. This involves establishing a
nurturing atmosphere that encourages effective coping mechanisms and psychological fortitude
in those confronting the difficulties associated with divorce (Garriga & Pennoni, 2022). To sum
up, I will apply what I've learned from Chapter 8 by committing to honest communication,
teaching biblical values that encourage non-violence, and being more conscious of the many
coping mechanisms that kids use. These behaviors are essential to my own development and fit
with my commitment to fostering an environment of empathy and understanding for both myself
and people around me. This demonstrates the significance of application in determining an
individual's personal development.
4-Mat Paper: Hart Review Assignment 7
References
Caksen, H. (2021). The effects of parental divorce on children. Psychiatriki, 33, 81-82.
Dobson, J. C. (2010). Love must be tough: New hope for marriages in crisis. Tyndale House
Publishers, Inc.
Hart, A. (1997). for Helping Children Survive Divorce: What to Expect, How to Help.
Garriga, A., & Pennoni, F. (2022). The causal effects of parental divorce and parental temporary
separation on children’s cognitive abilities and psychological well-being according to
parental relationship quality. Social Indicators Research, 161(2-3), 963-987.
https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11205-020-02428-2
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Papernow: Chapter 5-6
Papernow, P. L. (2013). Surviving and Thriving in Stepfamily Relationships. Taylor & Francis. https://mbsdirect.vitalsource.com/books/9781136701542
Chapter 5 The Third Challenge
Parenting Tasks Polarize the Adults
DOI: 10.4324/9780203813645-5
Parenting brings a unique set of challenges in stepfamilies. Stepfamily structure can polarize stepparents and parents around parenting tasks, potentially pulling stepcouples into repetitive cycles of intensifying conflict with each other. While some of what we know about parenting in first-time families applies here, understanding the differences between stepfamilies and first-time families, and between stepparenting and parenting, is critical to meeting this challenge.
The Challenge
Understanding Parenting Styles
This handy chart puts the challenge into clear visual form. Adapted from the work of Daniel Amen, it describes parenting as ranging from loving to hostile, and from firm to permissive, creating four parenting styles. Three of these four, which I have superimposed in capital letters, align perfectly with a large body of parenting research by Diana Baumrind and her colleagues.1
Authoritative parenting is both loving and firm. (“I know it's hard for you that John is here. You do need to be civil and respectful to him.”)
Authoritative parents are warm, empathic, and caring. They also set developmentally realistic behavioral expectations, and they supervise their children's activities, while honoring their children's emotional autonomy. Authoritative parents operate primarily in optimal arousal (see Figure 2.1, page 15). A massive amount of empirical data firmly establishes that parenting in this upper left, authoritative, quadrant is the best predictor of better outcomes for children on every measure imaginable, and in all family forms (never-divorced, single-parent, stepfamily). Authoritative parenting is linked with higher rates of emotional wellbeing, more prosocial behavior, better academic performance, lower rates of depression and acting out. Authoritative parenting also supports more resilient adjustment to stressful events (Pruett & Pruett, 2009), including divorce and remarriage (Ganong & Coleman, 2004).2 3
Authoritarian parenting is firm but not loving (“Do it because I said so.”)
Authoritarian parenting gives children too little regulating emotional connection. Control is rigid and coercive, rather than responsive and respectful. Authoritarian parents may operate in intense hyperarousal, or in cold hypoarousal. Expectations of children are often developmentally or emotionally unrealistic. All too often, the message is delivered with too much force and not enough caring. Rather than calm behavioral description (“Oops, you left your towel on the floor”), shameful labeling is common (i.e., “lazy,” “stupid,” “manipulative”). Stepparents sometimes advocate for more authoritarian (firmer, less loving) parenting by their partners. However, authoritarian parenting is linked to lower scores for children in stepfamilies on, among other things, emotional wellbeing, academic performance, and social competence (Hetherington & Clingempeel, 1992).
Permissive parenting is caring and warm but not firm enough (“Anything you do is fine with me, Dear.”)
Although permissive parenting is often very loving, it makes too few developmentally appropriate demands for responsibility and maturity. Parenting in this lower left quadrant does not ask enough of children, and does not provide sufficient supervision, monitoring, and guidance.4
Unpredictable parenting is extremely disregulating for children
Parenting in the lower right “unpredictable” quadrant swings between disengaged hypoarousal and ineffective hyperarousal. Unpredictable parenting is extremely disregulating for children.
Indifferent or disengaged parenting leaves children much too alone
Baumrind adds another dimension that does not fit neatly into this chart: disengaged or indifferent parenting. Disengaged parents provide neither warmth nor discipline. They operate primarily in hypoarousal. Even when they are physically present, they remain emotionally absent. We usually think of trauma as the result of intrusive, aggressive abuse. However, very disengaged parenting is actually the most powerful predictor of dissociation in young adults (Dutra, Bureau, Holmes, Lyubchik, & Lyons-Ruth, 2009).
Stepparents and Parents Experience Children Differently
Parents and stepparents come to issues about children from very different perspectives. Parents know their children's vulnerabilities and strengths. They know the historical context behind provocative behavior. Even when their children are upsetting, parents, unlike stepparents, can draw upon a long-term foundation of attachment to help reset their own emotional temperature. Parents and children also share understandings about “how we do things.” The research adds that post-divorce parenting becomes less authoritative, often slipping into the permissive (lower left), or unpredictable (lower right) corner of the chart in Figure 5.1 (Hetherington & Jodl, 1994; Kurdek & Fine, 1993).
Figure 5.1 Parenting Styles.
Adapted from Daniel G. Amen, M.D. (2000), New Skills for Frazzled Parents, p. 19. Used with permission.
Stepparents, on the other hand, do not begin with a longstanding heart connection with their stepchildren. Children's persistent needs for parental attention feel more intrusive to most stepparents than they do to parents. Stepparents and their stepchildren do not share definitions of acceptable levels of neatness, politeness, spending, etc. Stepparents cook, do the laundry, mow the lawn, chauffeur, and provide financial support for their stepchildren. Children who are struggling with their own adjustment can often give little affection or appreciation in return.
Stepmothers are especially likely to be stuck with the drudge work of mothering but with few of the rewards of being a mother. All of this makes kids’ ordinary levels of messiness, noise, and impulsivity more irritating for stepparents than for parents.
Barring sainthood, the stepparent role can be taxing for both men and women. Stepparents need the empathic support of their partners, especially when they are receiving very little affection or appreciation from their stepchildren. However, parents do not feel, and often do not even see, the same rejection that stepparents do. Parents all too often respond to even the most skillful request for sympathy with, “Why are you making such a big deal!” Or, “Just reach out!” leaving stepparents feeling even more frustrated and alone.
Stepfamily Structure Polarizes the Adults
P arents and Stepparents Are Pulled to Opposite Corners
The stage is set for parents and stepparents to find themselves in opposite corners of the parenting chart in Figure 5.1. Stepparents, longing for more order and control, are easily pulled toward the upper right quadrant–“hostile and firm” authoritarian parenting. In response to stepparents’ demands, protective parents sometimes move even further into permissiveness.
In its gentler form, parents and stepparents simply see things differently. Stepparents want more structure and clearer boundaries. They would like parents to ask more of their children. Parents want their own children to feel loved and supported and they have more information about what is realistic to ask of their kids. Collaborative dialogue about these two viewpoints can lead to good, authoritative parenting.
However, these are not easy conversations for stepcouples. What looks like “back talk” to a stepparent is “a lively conversation” to a parent. A stepparent sees children at a family gathering as “wild and undisciplined.” The parent sees the same behavior as “excited to see their cousins.” What the stepparent characterizes as “giving in,” the parent sees as “being flexible” or “not making a mountain out of a mole hill.” Even when parents feel like they are working hard to ask more of their children, stepparents may still feel overwhelmed and irritated. Stepparents conclude, “You never listen to me!” Parents respond, “But I have! I really am trying!” As Mona Heller said, “Norman and I got along so well from the first moment we met. Except around the subject of kids. It took us a while before we could do that one well together!”
When things go badly, stepparents become increasingly entrenched in the upper right authoritarian corner and parents dig ever more deeply into the lower left permissive corner. I call this the “polarization polka.” Kevin Anderson and Claire Abbot are caught in its clutches. (The Abbott/Anderson genogram is on page 3.)
Kevin and Claire Do the Polarization Polka
Kevin Anderson's 13-year-old daughter Kendra has made cocoa for herself and her sister. Claire, entering the kitchen to make dinner, finds brown powder on the floor, sticky chocolate goo in the microwave, and dirty cups in the sink. She gripes to Kevin, “Can't your children ever clean up after themselves!”
The very same mess that is so offensive for Claire is no big deal for Kevin. He counters defensively, “Relax!” Despite her brusque tone, Claire had been hoping for some support from her husband. Disappointed by his unsympathetic response, she shoots back, “You never listen to me!” Kevin, his emotional temperature rising, swings a little harder, “You’re never satisfied!” Fully into the polka now, Claire shouts back, “Why should I be? Your kids are slobs and you don't care!” The argument continues for a few more painful predictable rounds. Finally, Kevin throws up his hands and retreats to the television, leaving Claire feeling even more abandoned, and both of them depressed and miserable.
Kevin and Claire have been swept into yet another round of the polarization polka. At its most wretched, repetitive reinforcing sequences gouge progressively deep ruts in stepcouple relationships. As polarized positions become ever more extreme, parents abandon the firm, more demanding aspects of thei
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