Being With Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

11 Oct Being With Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

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Chapter Eleven

Being With Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

Introduction

What would it be like to go through life alone?

What are some similarities between friendships and love relationships?

Why do some people choose not to marry?

What percentage of marriages end in divorce?

11.1 Relationships

Learning Objectives

What types of friendships do adults have? How do adult friendships develop?

What is love? How does it develop through adulthood?

What is the nature of abuse in some relationships?

Friendships, Part 1

Friendships are of major importance in adolescence and young adulthood, but continue to be important throughout life

Characterized by being predominantly based on feelings and reciprocity

Less emotionally intense than a love relationship, and involve less sexual energy

Having good friendships boosts self-esteem

Friendships, Part 2

Adult friendships go through the stages of acquaintanceship, buildup, continuation, deterioration, and ending (ABCDE model)

People tend to have more friends and acquaintances in young adulthood than at any other time of life

Life transitions (getting married, etc.) result in fewer friends and less contact with the friendships you do maintain

Friendships, Part 3

The quality of friendship networks in people ages 25-74 is improving in the online age

Heavy Internet users tend to have the most friends both online and offline

Are online friendships “real” friendships?

Require trust

Online friendships can get stronger, and have the same cycles as traditional friendships

Conducive environment for shy people

Friendships, Part 4

Despite concerns, social networking websites such as Facebook have not reduced the quality of friendships.

Friendships, Part 5

Differences exist in men’s and women’s relationships

Women focus on emotional sharing and confiding in others

Women can be unhappy even with a large number of friends, since friendships can be demanding

Men focus on around shared activities/interests

Men tend to have a small number of very close friends

Friendships, Part 6

Can a man and woman just be friends?

Men with cross-sex friendships show lower dating anxiety and a higher capacity for intimacy

Third parties (spouses, etc.) may misperceive these friendships and discourage them

Men overperceive and women underperceive their friend’s sexual interest in them

Maintaining friendships once one person is married or in an exclusive relationship is difficult

Love Relationships, Part 1

Three basic components of love:

Passion: intense physiological desire for other

Intimacy: sharing all thoughts/actions with other

Commitment: willingness to stay with other through good times and bad

Early on, passion is high and intimacy and commitment are low (infatuation)

As love grows, passion and intimacy decline but commitment increases

Love Relationships, Part 2

Assortative mating: theory that states that people find partners based on their similarity to each other

Education levels, physical attractiveness, religion, etc.

Meeting at school are likely to result in similarities

Speed dating allows for meeting several people in a short time period

Practiced mostly by young adults

Love Relationships, Part 3

One in five couples in the U.S. meet online

Physical attractiveness still strongly influences the selection of partners initially

How does physical attractiveness affect online dating?

First impressions are driven mainly by the perceived attractiveness of the person’s photo

Secure romantic attachments are the norm in 80% of the world’s cultures

Love Relationships, Part 4

Global patterns exist in mate selection and romantic relationships

Culture is a force in shaping mate selection

In some cultures (e.g., China), people tend to choose based on the status hierarchy

Access to good healthcare, education, and other resources tends to lead to more secure romantic attachments

95% of Indian marriages are arranged; matchmaking also common in Muslim countries

Violence in Relationships, Part 1

Abusive relationship: a relationship in which one person becomes aggressive towards the partner

Battered woman syndrome: when a woman believes that she cannot leave an abusive situation and may even go as far as to kill her abuser

Many college students report experiencing abuse in a dating relationship

Violence in Relationships, Part 2

The continuum of aggressive behaviors toward a partner:

Verbal aggression

Physical aggression

Severe aggression

Murder

Underlying causes of aggressive behaviors differ as the type of aggressive behaviors change

Violence in Relationships, Part 3

Behavior	Example	Causes
Verbal Aggression	Insults, Yelling, Name-calling	Need to control, Misuse of power, Jealousy, Marital discord
Physical Aggression	Pushing, Slapping, Shoving	Accepts violence as a means of control, Modeling of physical aggression, Abused as a child, Aggressive personality styles, Alcohol Abuse, plus previously listed.
Severe Aggression	Beating, Punching, Hitting with object	Personality disorders, Emotional lability, Poor self-esteem, plus previously listed.
Murder	Empty cell	All previously listed causes.

Figure 11.2 Continuum of progressive behaviors in abusive relationships.

Source: O’Leary, K. D. (1993). Through a psychological lens: Personality traits, personality disorders, and levels of violence. In R. J. Gelles & D. R. Loseke (Eds.), Current controversies on family violence (pp. 7–30). Copyright © 1993 by Sage Publications. Reprinted by permission of the publisher.

Violence in Relationships, Part 4

5 million women and 3 million men experience partner-related physical assaults or rape annually in the U.S.

10%-69% of women worldwide report being sexually abused or raped

Men are victims of relationship violence at 1/3 the rate of women in the U.S.

Relationship violence also occurs in gay and lesbian relationships

Violence in Relationships, Part 5

International data indicate that rates of abuse are higher in cultures that emphasize female purity, male status, and family honor

Despite the availability of women’s shelters and counseling, some women still live in fear of abuse from their husbands

11.2 Lifestyles

Learning Objectives

Why do some people decide to remain single, and what are these people like?

What are the characteristics of cohabiting people?

What are gay and lesbian relationships like?

What is marriage like through the course of adulthood?

Singlehood, Part 1

An overwhelming majority of men and women ages 20-24 are single

There are numerous stereotypes and biases against single people

Men tend to marry at a later age than women

Fewer men remain single

Have a larger age range of partners to choose from

Singlehood, Part 2

Ethnic differences in singlehood exist

Young adult African Americans are twice as likely to be single as young European Americans

Singlehood increasing among Latino Americans

Cultural implications of singlehood exist

Example: Muslim Malaysian women believe they are single because God has decided that they should not meet their mate at this time

For most people, the decision to never marry is a gradual one

Cohabitation, Part 1

Cohabitation: people in committed, intimate, sexual relationships living together but not married

Increasingly popular in the U.S. and other Western societies

Why cohabit?

Test the relationship for potential marriage, convenience, and/or an alternative to marriage

Cohabitation, Part 2

Type of Union	1995 Percentage	2002 Percentage	2006 to 2010 Percentage
No union	28	27	29
Cohabitation	34	43	30
Marriage	39	30	23

Figure 11.3 Type of first unions among women age 15 to 44: United States, 1995, 2002, and 2006–2010.

Source: Centers for Disease Control and Prevention/National Center for Health Statistics. National Survey of Family Growth, 1995, 2002, and 2006–2010, and Table 1 of this report.

Cohabitation, Part 3

Global differences in cohabitation

Extremely common in some European countries (e.g., 99% of people in Sweden live together before marriage)

Does cohabitation make marriages better?

Evidence shows no — may actually result in lower-quality marriages

Examples: European American women with children prior to marriage; those “testing” their relationship

Behavior rarely changes after cohabitation

Gay and Lesbian Couples, Part 1

Gay and lesbian relationships have many similarities with heterosexual relationships

Dual earners; share household chores; etc.

Gay men separate love and sex much like heterosexual men

Lesbians connect sex and emotional intimacy

Make commitments; cohabit more quickly

More likely to be different on demographic characteristics than heterosexual couples

Gay and Lesbian Couples, Part 2

Gay and lesbian couples report receiving less support from family

Attitudes are changing at a societal level

Same-sex marriage is now legal in the U.S.

Inheritance rights

Able to visit loved ones in a hospital

Marriage, Part 1

Figure 11.4 Median age at first marriage in the United States has increased slightly more for women than for men since 1970.

Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Current Population Survey.

Marriage, Part 2

Marital success: refers to any marital outcome

Marital quality: subjective measure of a marriage based on several dimensions

Marital adjustment: degree to which husbands and wives accommodate each other over a certain period

Marital satisfaction: a global assessment of a person’s marriage

Marriage, Part 3

What predicts a successful marriage?

Age: the younger the partners are (especially teens-early 20s), the greater the chances it will end in divorce

Homogamy: sharing similar values and interests increases the likelihood of the marriage lasting

Feeling of equality in the marriage

Exchange theory: marriage is based on each partner contributing something to the relationship that the other would be hard-pressed to provide

Marriage, Part 4

Do married couples stay happy?

Figure 11.5 Marital satisfaction is highest early on and in later life, dropping off during the childrearing years.

Marriage, Part 5

When there is unequal dependence in the marriage, stress and conflict are likely

Learning to deal with changing patterns in the marriage is the key to longevity and happiness

Marital satisfaction varies widely

How a couple reacts to stresses and changes in the marriage determine whether they will stay married or get divorced

See Fig. 11.6

Marriage, Part 6

Figure 11.6 The vulnerability–stress–adaptation model shows how adapting to vulnerabilities and stress can result in either adaptation or dissolution of the marriage.

Source: From “Keeping marriages healthy, and why it’s so difficult,” by B. R. Karney.

Marriage, Part 7

How should the early stages of marriage be approached?

Adjust to the different expectations and perceptions that each person has for the other

Learn to handle confrontation and resolve conflict

Parenthood causes stress and leaves less time to focus on the marriage

Childless couples also experience a decline in marital satisfaction; disillusionment is likely

Marriage, Part 8

If a military spouse believes that deployment will make the marriage stronger, it is likely to become stronger

Young married military couples face special types of stress on their relationship.

Marriage, Part 9

How do you keep a marriage happy?

Good stress- and conflict-resistance strategies can make a couple’s bond stronger even after serious problems

Keep the romance in the relationship

Share religious beliefs and spirituality

Clear and honest communication of thoughts, actions, and feelings, especially when dealing with stressful areas of the relationship

11.3 The Family Life Cycle, Part 1

Learning Objectives

What are the common forms of families?

Why do people have children?

What is it like to be a parent? What differences are there in types of parenting?

The Family Life Cycle, Part 2

Nuclear family: type of family consisting only of parents and children

Most common in Western societies

Extended family: grandparents and other relatives live with parents and children

Most common worldwide

Deciding Whether to Have Children, Part 1

Research shows that potential parents do not think deeply about the decision of whether or not to have children

Benefits of becoming pregnant:

Children add affection, improve family ties, and add a sense of immortality and accomplishment

One concern of having children

Expenses

Deciding Whether to Have Children, Part 2

Reasons adults are child-free include personal choice, financial instability, and infertility

Childless couples tend to have higher marital satisfaction, more freedom, and higher standards of living

The Parental Role, Part 1

Average age of women at time of first childbirth has been rising

Currently 26 years of age in the U.S.

Many women postponing children due to marrying later, establishing careers, etc.

Older parents tend to spend more time with their children and be more supportive

Parenting skills must be learned

Disagreements over division of labor can result

The Parental Role, Part 2

Ethnic background plays a role

African American husbands more likely to help with household chores; African American parents tend to provide strong religious beliefs and a proud cultural heritage

Tribal Native Americans spend considerable time imparting cultural values that are very different from those that European Americans have

The Parental Role, Part 3

Ethnic background (cont’d.)

Latino American families promote two key values

Familism: the idea that the family’s well-being takes precedence over the concerns of individual family members

Extended family: relatives often provide child care and financial support

Asian Americans also often value familism and extended family

Children are expected to obtain good grades, maintain discipline, and show conformity

The Parental Role, Part 4

What challenges do multiethnic families have?

Discrimination and prejudiced behavior from others

Worries that children may be rejected by both racial communities

Mothers play a key role in establishing their children’s cultural identity

The Parental Role, Part 5

More than 40% of mothers in the U.S. are unwed

How do single parents and their children get by?

Parents experience feelings of frustration and guilt

Financial difficulties, especially for single mothers

Parents feel insecure about dating and sexuality

The Parental Role, Part 6

For stepparents, adoptive parents, and foster parents, concerns exist over bonding with a child that is not biologically theirs

Stepchildren often experience behavioral and emotional problems

Allow stepchildren to develop a relationship with the stepparent at their own pace

Adoptive parents must acknowledge that adopted children may want to seek their biological parents

Challenge with children adopted from another culture

The Parental Role, Part 7

Foster parents may not be able to establish bonds due to time constraints

Good foster care still important in developing attachments

11.4 Divorce and Remarriage

Learning Objectives

Who gets divorced? How does divorce affect parental relationships with children?

What are remarriages like? How are they similar to and different from first marriages?

Divorce, Part 1

Country	1990 percentage of marriage that end in divorce	1995 percentage of marriage that end in divorce	2000 percentage of marriage that end in divorce	2005 percentage of marriage that end in divorce	2008 percentage of marriage that end in divorce	2011 percentage of marriage that end in divorce
United States	49	50	50	49	54	54
Japan	22	26	34	38	1	35
France	38	48	38	50	38	55
Germany	30	40	47	58	39	49
Italy	9	9	12	19	10	25
Sweden	41	53	50	49	42	47
United Kingdom	49	68	55	45	55	47

Figure 11.7 The United States has one of the highest divorce rates in the world.

Source: From “Marriage and divorce,” by National Center for Health Statistics, 2010, and from “Divorces and crude divorce rates by urban/rural residence: 2004–2008,” by United Nations, 2010.

Divorce, Part 2

Why do couples get divorced?

Early divorce usually preceded with negative emotions during conflict

Later divorce usually a result of a lack of positive emotions

Covenant marriage: expands the marriage contract to a lifelong commitment between the partners within a supportive community

Controversial approach designed to prevent divorce

Divorce, Part 3

How does divorce affect the couple?

Feelings of disappointment, rejection, etc.

“Divorce hangover”: difficult to transition to post-divorce life

Middle-aged and elderly women are at a disadvantage for remarrying

Many divorced women experience difficult financial hardships

Divorce, Part 4

What happens to children after a divorce?

Custody tends to be awarded to the mother

Many fathers wish to remain active in their children’s lives, but custody and child support laws make it difficult to do so

Collaborative divorce: an alternative resolution process for couples who want to negotiate a solution

Long-lasting negative effects for children experiencing divorce at any age

Poorer relations with parents; difficulties in their own romantic relationships

Remarriage

Divorced people typically wait about 3½ years before they remarry

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11 Oct Being With Others: Forming Relationships in Young and Middle Adulthood

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